CTU The party animals
by Screwball McNalley
Summary: A parody trying to imagine what CTU would be like at parties. Wild west is finally up! Sorry if there are any weird typos, my computers playing up.
1. Chapter 1

**A note : This will maybe be part of a series seeing how they might behave at various parties. Please rate, I know it's not that great, but, hey, it was fun writing it.**

Chapter one – The Christmas Party

It was the office party at CTU, and the whole gang was there! Well…the ones that were alive…and not in jail…and the ones I like. Anyhoo…

Tony had gotten pretty damned pissed, had picked up the mic and was vigorously dancing and singing to an adapted version of Sir Tom Jones' "it's not unusual".

"It's not unusual to be a terrorist…it's not unusual to wanna kill the president…OOF!"

Carrie had decided that she wanted some attention, and so had rugby-tackled the director of CTU, mid-lyric, and had wrestled the mic off him. Like you do.

She immediately switched the track over to a crappy rap record.

"Yo,yo,yo,yo…I iz da bomb…" Time slowed for Jack when he heard that word and his well-honed instincts kicked in. He leaped behind the punch bowl, whipping out a handgun as he did. He loosed off 3 rounds and stood to survey the damage. As he looked, he found that not 3, but 14 bullets had hit their mark. He looked up to find the rest of the party-goers with guns pointing at Carrie.

"HEY!" yelled Jack, "I thought I was the emotionally deranged trigger-happy fed! Did you guys hear her say 'bomb' too then?"

10 or face stared up at him blankly.

"What are you on about?" inquired Michelle Dessler. "We just hate her."

Just then Carrie uttered her last words . . . "Dag. . .yo. . ."


	2. Chapter 2

**The party games**

Pin the tail

"Hey everybody!" George Mason yelled, "Who wants to play 'pin-the-tail-on-the-suspect?"

A clamour of hands shot up, and 20 or so angry agents and co-workers advanced towards the terrified terrorist, their pins at the ready. These people had suffered injury; emotional trauma; stress; and had seen their friends die: all because of terrorists. They now had the chance to take their anger out on one.

A small whimper was heard.

**15 minutes and about a pint of blood later…………….**

"Ready to talk now, terrorist?" roared Tony.

"I'll tell you everything!" the terrorist sobbed.

"Ooh, too bad, Jack still hasn't had a go!

"B-b-but…"

"NO 'BUTS', MISTER! You just wait your turn! Honestly, you start wielding a global threat, and all of a sudden you're Mr.Bigstuff?"

"Wha…?"

"QUIET!"

Truth or dare

"Ooooh Jack, it's your turn at truth or dare!"

Jack pondered for a moment before finally answering: "Dare!"

"OOH!" The sneaky-looking-mystery-guest yelled, "I dare you to …..PRESS THE RED BUTTON!"

"I can't do that," Jack began, "red buttons are usually bad."

"Ooooooh. . .Jack's a chicken!"

"Bwak-bwak-BWAK!"

Just then Carrie ran through the room, and pelted Jack with chickens. Carrie likes to pelt people with chickens.

"Fine." said Jack, picking chicken feathers off his jacket, "just tell me what the red button does."

The sneaky-looking-mystery-guest looked flustered for a moment, before replying "Well…….it _might, possibly, maybe _just blow up the CTU building over the road there… perhaps."

"Sounds harmless to me then." decided Jack, and pressed the button.

5-4-3-2-1…

**BANG!**

"Huh. Oops." Jack muttered. "So…er, George…I guess this means I'm not gonna get the pay rise then, eh?"


	3. Baby shower

_**Chase was pregnant, and so CTU had decided to throw him a baby shower…**_

TONY: Wow! Chase, you are glowing!

CHASE: (rubbing baby bump) Oh thank you!

TONY: So are you scared at all?

CHASE: Well, considering I don't have birthing hips, breasts, or generally anywhere for the baby to come out of, yes, just a tad. But, hey, it'll beat growing old with a Chihuahua!

A Chihuahua sniffles and walks off into the sunset with its new best friend – the llama

CHASE: …And then there was the whole thing of Nina letting me borrow her fountain pen. I promised her I'd do her a favour in return, so she made me promise to give her my first-born. I had to sort her out by having Dorothy land her flying house on top of Nina.

TONY: (slightly freaked out) Yeah…I know the feeling…I'm gonna go see Jack now, why don't you go get some punch.

(Chase skips to the punch bowl)

TONY: Hey Jack, how are you doing?

JACK: Not so good. Have you seen Kim?

TONY: 'Fraid not.

JACK: Shit. I bet she's gone and got herself kidnapped again. She can be so goddamn ginger sometimes!

TONY: I think the stereotype you're looking for is 'blonde'.

JACK: Right. Smartass.

(Jack wanders off, leaving Tony trying to look cool by the punch bowl.)

JACK: (Finds Kim) Kim! There you are! Thank god! You're not kidnapped again!

KIM: You are _never_ going to let me live that down, are you?

JACK: Hell no. Gives me something to talk about at parties.

KIM: Man-bitch.

JACK: Anyway, I've got bigger chickens to roast. I think there may be a bomb in the cake.

KIM: Dad, this isn't a wedding. There is no bomb. There is no cake. Chase said he doesn't want to gain unnecessary weight, so he won't eat cakes.

JACK: Oooohhhh…..

KIM: So, you understand now, don't you? There isn't a cake. There isn't a bomb.

JACK: Ok. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go disarm the cake.

KIM: Oh god.

2:002:00omg2:002:00llama2:002:00ate2:002:00the2:002:00cake2:002:00oh shit2:002:00

CHLOE: (running up to Jack) Jack! The llama ate the cake! You have to disarm the llama!

KIM: THERE ISN'T A FUCKING CAKE!

CHLOE: Aren't you busy getting kidnapped or something?

KIM: I hate you all! (Throws the Chihuahua at Chloe)

JACK: I'd better go save the world. Again.

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JACK: (Bent over llama with surgeon's kit on) Scalpel!

(Gets handed screwdriver)

JACK: This'll have to do.

LLAMA: (In llama language) Screwdriver? I thought I was getting my eyelashes curled! SHIT! Run!

JACK: Dammit. The llama ran away. Ah well. Let's all just forget about it and dance.

CHASE: (3 octaves higher than normal) DEAR GOD NO! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! DON'T KILL MY BABY! (Jumps into pool).

KIM: Well dad, since you've now successfully traumatised the llama and the mother-to-be, can we just go home now?

JACK: That wouldn't be eventful enough.

KIM: How about if I get myself kidnapped?

JACK: You'd do that for me?

KIM: If you promise to take me home afterwards and to never dance again.

JACK: Let's go get you kidnapped.

(And they stroll off happily into the sunset towards some bad guy's lair…)


	4. Audrey's funeral

**Alas and alack. Oh dear. This is so upsetting. Audrey has died. (In this story) Oh dear. (Hide the knife!) Anyhoo, this is CTU at Audrey's funeral, being their usual insensitive selves. Haha. I just realised that "selves" is like "shelves" without the "h". My life is so full.**

The gloomy looking CTU staff filed into the church where Audrey's funeral was about to take place. The priest was outside to greet each of the mourners as they entered. He watched Carrie slouch past, petting her chickens and comforting them as she did. As Jack walked past, he said "Hello, Mother." The priest looked slightly stunned, before reminding himself that the poor man was probably delusional after losing his girlfriend. "Er, it's 'father', Mr. Bauer" the old priest replied.

"You're a man?"

"I hate this job."

18:0018:00haha18:0018:00transvestite18:0018:00priests18:0018:00and a 18:0018:00dead18:0018:00Audrey18:0018:00yay!

"…and of course, she was always brave. We will always remember Audrey." the priest concluded. "Would anybody like to say a few words?" Chloe stepped out of the congregation, and took a piece of paper out of her pocket.

"It is such an honour to receive the prestigious "surliest I.T expert alive" award today. I would like to thank you all for being such dickwads and winding me …wait…sorry, wrong speech…" She cleared her throat and began the correct speech. "I believe that today, we should be happy in honour of Audrey. We must celebrate her death…"

The priest whispered "life! Not death!"

Chloe looked puzzled for a moment before continuing "We must celebrate her **death**, because not only was she annoying as nails down a blackboard, but she kept Jack away from me. Jack is my bitch. Remember that."

**At the after-party…or whatever the equivalent is…**

Tony was crying into Michelle's shirt while she patted him comfortingly on the back.

"It's…it's….just so sad…" he sobbed.

"I know, I know, dear…"

"It's…so sad…."

"Let it all out."

"...It's so sad….there's no lobsters left on the buffet…"

"RIGHT!" Michelle seemingly forgot about the Tony leaning against her, and straightened up, causing him to fall onto the floor. "Which of you FAT BASTARDS ate all of my Too-too's lobster!"

"Too-too?" asked Edgar incredulously.

Tony sniffled.

Unfortunately for Edgar, he happened to be holding the last lobster claw.

Michelle's eyes burned like the fires of hell. She sprinted across the room and leapt at Edgar, knocking him backwards over the nearly-empty buffet table.

19:1519:15too-too?19:1519:15that19:1519:15poor19:1519:15man19:1519:15

Jack was busy in the corner talking to a still heavily pregnant Chase.

"So yeah, I'm really glad to be Chloe's bitch now…quick, she's gone, Chase, you have to help me..." Chloe neared their corner, with a glint in her eye. "Er…you have to help me because I'm so in love with Chloe…" As Chloe walked off, clearly satisfied, Jack quickly leaned in and spoke rapidly.

"Seriously, Chase, she's a psycho…I saw some chains and leather in her boot and I'm really scared…" He sobbed quietly to himself in the corner, rocking back and forth while Chase walked off to talk to the other mourners.

Suddenly, Chase clutched his stomach, and screamed "DEAR GOD, IT'S HAPPENING! I'M GOING INTO LABOUR!"

(Dn-dun-dnnnnnn!"

**TBC**


	5. The birth!

The hospital bed was rushed along the corridor by a team of doctors and nurses.

"Nurse!" yelled the doctor, "This young man isn't going to be in labour much longer! I need 25CC l'oreal elvive shampoo STAT!"

"What the fuck are you on about?"

"Sorry, I just thought I'd practice my lines for my evening job while I was at it."

Chase gasped again in pain and shock, and clutched a nurses' hand.

"I don't think I can take this much longer!" he panted in between contractions. "I can take the torture, but I can't take this!"

"Same difference." the nurse cried, "Don't worry, the painkillers will kick in any moment now…We're just going to pop you into this room now, and it's a private one. You'll wait here until you're 10 centimetres dilated."

Chase clutched his bulging stomach as his best friend Jack sat beside his bedside.

"Chase, if you need to, you can hold onto my hand when it hurts."

"Oh, I don't know, Jack, I don't want to hurt you…"

"Don't worry! If I can handle being tortured, I think I can handle you holding my hand!" he chortled.

"Okay then…ooh, I feel another!"

Chase squeezed Jack's hand to try and stop the pain. After a few moments, he looked across at Jack. Jack looked as if he was chewing bees. Suicide bomber bees. With spikes on their backs. Jack was looking at his hand in a sickened shock, as he realised that it was blue.

"Oh! Jack, I'm so sorry!"

"It's ok." he squeaked, "I'm fine…just a few crushed bones…nothing I can't handle…"

"Oh God!" moaned Chase.

"What is it?" asked a very scared Jack.

"I've got another one…Jack I understand if you don't want to give me your hand… Jack? Jack?" He scanned the ward only to find it Jack-free. "WIMP!" shouted down the corridor after Jack, who was running away at a speed to shame an Olympic athlete. "CALL YOURSELF A FED? PUSSY!"

23:28ouch23:2823:28poor23:2823:28Chase23:2823:28

Chase looked up as a nurse walked into the room with the air of someone who had seen this sort of thing before. Literally. She had stolen the oxygen tank of an ex-midwife. The nurse rolled the tank along the floor and into the corridor, bowling over a still terrified Jack.

"Right then, Chase. Let's see how dilated you are. Hm. Oh." The nurse stepped back, the puzzlement clear on her young face.

"You…you have nowhere _to_ dilate."

"Tell me about it!" moaned the exhausted Chase. "How am I going to get this baby out?"

"Well, we can always go up the canal."

"Canal?" asked Chase, wondering what man-made waterways had to with it.

"Minus the 'c'".

The penny dropped, and a look of sheer terror replaced the previous one of confusion.

"Erm. . .how can you do that?"

"Well," the nurse explained, "we simply post little tiny sentries inside your body with 'diversion' signs to lead the baby out." Chase by this point was beginning to sob into his hospital pillow.

"HAHA! ZOMG! I so totally had you!" the nurse suddenly yelled. "Nah, I'm kidding you, we just do a Caesarean, you twot! Hahaha…I see why I'm getting fired now…haha…"

23:49what23:4923:49an23:4923:49evil23:4923:49nurse

The trolley was sped along the pristine corridors with Chase on top of it. Well, it would be a little odd to have him under it, wouldn't it now? Silly bugger.

The doctor shouted to his helping assistants "Right! Get the Dictaphone! We're doing the first ever Caesarean on a man!"

24:0024:00aww24:0024:00the24:0024:00wee24:0024:00babby24:0024:00

The staff of L.A CTU gathered around the hospital bed as Chase clutched his new baby.

"Jack, Chloe, I've decided that I want you two to be my baby's godparents. Will you accept?" Chase asked his two friends.

"Of course we will Chase! It'd be an honour!" Chloe yanked Jack's chokey chain "_Wouldn't it Jack?"_

"Yes dear. It would. I am your bitch now, not Audrey's."

"Wait a minute!" Audrey said, as recognition grew upon her face, "That's _my_ chokey chain!"

Everyone spun round with freaked out looks on their faces.

"What? Jack used to be my bitch, didn't he?"

George Mason stepped to the front of the crowd. "Chase, I want to give you this. Look after it, because one day your baby might need it." Chase took the present.

"Oh, wow! Thankyou George! Head polish! Maybe one day my baby _will_ need it!"

"Then again, Chase, you're looking a bit sparse on top, too."

"OH RIGHT! SO NOW I'M FAT _AND _BALD!"

"What! No, that's not what I…"

"But you don't deny I'm FAT!"

"Chase, have you been taking your medication?"

"WHAT, SO NOW I'M CRAZY TOO!"

Thankfully, the nurse stepped in at that point with a rather large syringe filled with morphine.

"SO I'M FAT...BALD…CRAZY…What do I care? I love you all! I love you, Mister Wall! I love you, Mrs. Plant! I love you, Miss. Freaked-out-looking-girlfriend-Kim…"

And at that, the strange crowd left the even stranger mother to get some sleep. What a bunch of weirdos.


	6. Wild West

MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Location: file:///C:/092BC6F1/76C16061.htm Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Type: text/html; charset"us-ascii" Georgia Faloone Normal Georgia Faloone 30 166 2006-07-12T18:28:00Z 2006-12-19T19:41:00Z 1 823 4693 39 11 5505 11.6360 Print 80 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

_The gang have decided to throw a cowboy party set back in the Wild, Wild West, and they've really gotten into the spirit of things. This should be interesting._

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

('_The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' music_) _Dodoloododoo…phmwa-phmwa-phwaaaaaaaa……_

"Well, Audrey, I think that this town just ain't big enough for the both of us."

"Chloe, I think you're right. I challenge you to a duel!"

"You already did. That's why we're here, stupid." Chloe's usual snappy demeanour came back into play at that point.

"I am flubber, you are glue…"

"Flubber? Flubber?! That's a fucking film you moron! Why am I even duelling you, it's such a waste of time! I should just leave you to kill yourself opening a tin of beans!"

"Hey! That is not funny, those beans nearly took my eye out! I've only just gotten over the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Meanwhile, in an abandoned barn…_

"Oh, no, Tony! Not in here! We could get caught!" Michelle giggled and ran into the barn anyway.

"It doesn't matter Michelle – wait! My Tony-sense is tingling!"

"Oh dear God. Is the ice-cream man here again?

"That was one time! Are you ever going to let th at go?! He recovered in a few months! How was I supposed to know that old bones took so long to heal?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Michelle decided that it would just save a lot of time to humour her more-than-slightly-odd husband and asked "So what's set off your Tony-sense?"

"It's a man. . .no, not a man. . .a dog in trouble! I must go! Will you still be here my darling, when I get back?

"Is the punch alcoholic?"

"Very."

"Then no, I'll be at the punch bowl." ;

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Jack!"

"Hi Tony," said Jack currently trying to dig his way underneath the fence to escape from the party. "What're you doing?"

"My Tony-sense was tingling. A dog in danger. . .Wait. . .Dog. . .Bitch. . .You! You're in trouble!"

"Yeah, that's kinda why I'm digging myself a tun…hold on…" Jack had just looked up and seen what Tony was wearing. "What the goddamned hell are you wearing?!" Tony had not specified what type of cowboy outfit he had wanted at the costume shop, and in a hurry had hastily thrown on his costume. It was a rather sparkly affair, with pink sequins on it, and frilly cuffs. His super-tight jeans were about 2 sizes too small.

"Tony, you look like a gay cowboy. In fact, you look like the Doc from 'back to the future III'."

"Just because my ass looks good in the jeans. 221;

"My ass looks better."

"Nuh-uh. Now, if you'll excuse me, I do believe my testicles are retracting here, and I think I may cry."

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Chloe dusted off her palms and looked at the deranged, defeated, and deceased body of Audrey. She decided to go and see where Jack had gotten to, but stumbled over Audrey. "God, she's annoying even when she's dead."

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Meanwhile, Jack had stopped digging to have a toilet break. The last few years of avoiding the bathroom had caught up on him. He wandered through the ghost town, appreciating the scenery. _Ah, the spit'n'sawdust inns…_he thought to himself, _The days when men were men…when I didn't have to report back to Chloe every half an hour…damn, 2 minutes late, I'd better get back to her…_

"Stop right there. Thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch. Bollocks, I keep singing spice girls…Er, anyway, hold it Jack Bauer! It is I, your arch nemecissy!" yelled a South Londoner's voice. (_Thankyou Will&Grace…_Obviously he was English because in American movies, all villains are English or French. And we're better at it than the French.)

"Saddam Hussein? Wait, no, you look just like me! Damn, I'm fine! But wait, you have a British accent!"

A vein twitched in the impostor's head. "THERE'S NO SUCH FUCKING ACCENT AS BRITISH!!! Britain is made up of different countries and dialects!!! You tell a Glaswegian he sounds Lancastrian he'll kick your head in! I've got half a mind to do that myself!!!"

Jack snorted derisively. "Hah! I'm the fastest gun in the West!"

"I'm afraid, Jackie my dear boy, that it doesn't matter how fast you are, because I've already stolen Ch loe away from you!"

"WHAT?!?!"

"That's right Jackie boy, I, Anti-Agent X, pretended to be you, and already Chloe believes me. It is just a matter of time (the half hour drive home) before I shall be safely home with Chloe and all of your personal details!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

"Wait. Why are you happy?"

Jack would have replied, but he was too busy running in a joyous circle and planning his retirement to Mexico. As he stopped to brush the tears of joy away, he spotted Chloe in the distance. He jumped over a barrel and rolled underneath a deck of a saloon, leaving the English Anti-Agent X to her mercy.

"JACK!!!! You're 5.34 minutes late to repo rting back to me! We're going home!"

Anti-Agent X recovered his shaken (not stirred) composure to reply in his best American accent: "Coming. Hon. Ya'll…aintcha…duuuuuuuuude…"

Meanwhile, the real Jack grinned to himself. "Oh , this is gonna be fun…"


End file.
